Welcome to the BetterMen Bulletin.

You become flatter, less adventurous; perhaps you’ve stopped looking forward to things. Sex becomes less frequent, friendships feel distant, exercise becomes something you used to do, and work occupies far more mental space than it deserves.

You're not falling apart, you're just not particularly alive.

I see this all the time with the men who come to work with me. Successful, capable men who have spent twenty or thirty years building careers, raising families, paying mortgages and being responsible. They've become very good at doing what needs to be done; the problem is they've forgotten to ask what they need. And there's evidence that midlife really can be a difficult psychological period.

ONS research involving more than 300,000 people found that life satisfaction and happiness were lowest among people aged 45–59, while anxiety peaked around the same period. Researchers point towards the obvious pressures of midlife: career responsibility, children, mortgages and, increasingly, ageing parents. More recent ONS figures tell a similar wider story. Almost a quarter of UK adults report high anxiety, while around one in four show evidence of depression or anxiety. But here's where we need to be careful… Understanding why you're in a rut cannot become an excuse for staying there.

For many, a rut is often a life that hasn't been updated. You're still operating with priorities, routines, relationships and definitions of success created by an earlier version of you. At 25, progress might have meant earning more, proving yourself, buying a house and building security.

At 45, the questions change: Do I like the man I've become? Is my marriage actually good? Do I have meaningful friendships? Am I healthy? What am I excited about? When did I last do something that made me feel properly alive? These aren't signs of a midlife crisis, but you can’t get used to feeling average. Equally, you shouldn’t normalise your tiredness, your disconnection and/or dissatisfaction. You mustn’t convince yourself this is simply what middle age feels like.

Getting out of a rut doesn't necessarily require blowing your life up; often it starts with challenging the status quo… Rebuild your body, call your mate, take your wife out, change your routine, learn something new, get outside. Have the conversation you've been avoiding, put something in the diary that scares you a little and excites you a lot.

Sit down, to take a minute, to read, reflect or journal on the prompts presented below.

This month’s prompt theme is: The Man in the Mirror

There's one relationship that influences every other relationship in your life, and it's the one you have with yourself. For some men, that's an uncomfortable thought. You might be respected at work, loved by your family, relied upon by your friends and considered successful by almost everyone who knows you.

But what do you think about yourself? Strip away the job title, the income, the house, the responsibilities and other people's opinions… do you actually like the man underneath it all? It's a question worth asking because plenty of men spend the first half of their lives looking outwards. We learn to achieve, provide, compete, perform and prove ourselves. We measure our progress through promotions, money, possessions and recognition. And whilst there's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things, they can become a substitute for something much harder to earn: our own respect. 

Psychologist Nathaniel Branden spent decades studying self-esteem. He described it, in part, as confidence in our ability to cope with life's challenges and a belief that we're worthy of happiness. I like that definition because it has very little to do with ego or telling yourself how wonderful you are. It's closer to: I can trust myself, I can handle life and I'm worth looking after. And here's the important bit. Self-esteem is earned! It's shaped by the way you live when nobody is watching.

If you repeatedly tell yourself you're going to get fit but don't, say yes when you want to say no, avoid conversations you know you need to have, tolerate behaviour you resent or continually put your own needs at the bottom of the pile, eventually you stop believing yourself. You lose trust in your own word. And without self-trust, self-esteem inevitably suffers.

Then there's the way you speak to yourself. Listen carefully to the internal commentary of some men and it's brutal. You've let yourself go, you're getting old, you're not earning enough, you should be further ahead by now. We'd never speak to someone we loved with that level of contempt, yet somehow we've convinced ourselves that relentless self-criticism keeps us sharp. It doesn't.

At midlife, the mirror can become an uncomfortable place. The body has changed, fitness has slipped, clothes fit differently, and the bloke staring back doesn't always resemble the man you still imagine yourself to be. Do something about it, but understand the difference between punishment and self-respect. Train because your body deserves looking after. Eat better because you want energy. Sleep because you're not a machine. Dress well because taking pride in yourself matters.

Looking after yourself isn't vanity; it's a statement of value. And all of this matters because you take yourself into every relationship you have. If you don't respect yourself, you'll struggle to establish boundaries. If you don't believe you're enough, you'll constantly seek reassurance. If you don't know what you need, you'll resent people for not providing it. If you can't sit comfortably with yourself, you'll find endless ways to avoid doing so. For me, there's no substitute for being able to look the man in the mirror in the eye and respect the way he's living.

Use the prompts below to consider how you treat and relate to yourself:

1. If someone could hear my internal dialogue for a day, what would they learn about the relationship I have with myself?

2. What do I need from myself right now - more discipline, compassion, honesty, courage, boundaries, rest or something else?

3. If nothing changed about the way I'm currently living, would I respect the man looking back at me five years from now?

This month’s recommendation is: How to Practice Emotional First Aid

Most men understand maintenance. We service our cars, update our technology, repair things when they break, and hopefully, pay some attention to our physical health. But when it comes to our emotional health, we're often far less proactive.

In this excellent TED Talk, psychologist Guy Winch asks a simple question: why do we take our physical health so much more seriously than our psychological health? He talks about loneliness, failure, rejection, rumination and the damage caused when we continually ignore emotional pain.

What I particularly like is that this isn't a talk about becoming softer or endlessly analysing how you feel. It's about recognising that your mind requires looking after too. That's particularly relevant for men. We can become very good at functioning whilst struggling.

We go to work, provide, perform, solve problems and fulfil our responsibilities, convincing ourselves that because we're still coping, we're okay. But coping isn't always the same as being healthy. Winch's message is refreshingly practical: pay attention to psychological injuries when they occur rather than waiting until they've become something much harder to deal with. For me, that's simply good self-leadership. You don't need to wait until you're struggling before taking yourself seriously.

Watch it, then ask yourself: what am I carrying emotionally that I've become far too accustomed to carrying?

If you want to join and be a part of our community, click the button below: